Pizza the Hut

I don't often eat foods that require chopsticks, but if I had a pair of these bad boys I would use them all the time. All. The. Time.

But Lisa is the one who writes the fun facts in our newsletter

So I posted this on my Twitter account earlier today, but it's worth repeating: Kellogg's corn flakes were invented (by Dr. Kellogg) to reduce the male libido. How's that for a fun fact? I learned it in my Human Sexuality class this afternoon. If you want some corroborating evidence, you can check this out, or Google that shit. And if you couldn't tell, today's lecture was on sex, moral ethics, and religion.

And also, in case you are worried, corn flakes don't actually decrease interest in sex.

At first I was upset about the shirt sleeves, but now I'm okay

Carlye and I got back into our routine of watching The Office when we are supposed to be doing work (just in time for exam season). One episode in particular, Heavy Competition, was hilarious (well, they all are, really).

Michael: I color code all my info... Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means, 'orange you glad you didn't bring it up?' Most colors mean 'don't say it.'

And you can tell everybody that this is your song

Every once and a while I post a "what I'm listening to lately" entry, and now is one of those times. I'm not saying this stuff is new, but it's on my iTunes a lot of late.

1. Bones by Editors
In the end all you can hope for
Is the love you felt to equal the pain you've gone through

2. I've Been Asleep For a Long, Long Time by Hey Rosetta!
All the schools that I went to have all been closed
And all of my teachers are dead I suppose
The songs that we sung have all gone quiet
What happens below as you sleep at night?

3. This Heart's On Fire by Wolf Parade
Sometimes they rock and roll
Sometimes they stay at home and it's just fine

4. Maybe It's Just Me by Butch Walker
And I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
But I can live without you if it makes you smile

I'm sorry, is that cigarette kosher?

Check out the article Cigarettes may contain pigs blood. The headline reads: CIGARETTES may contain traces of pig's blood, an Australian academic says with a warning that religious groups could find its undisclosed presence "very offensive". Is that really the ingredient of biggest concern? I get the argument from a religious standpoint, but I'm guessing pig blood is one of the healthiest ingredients in cigarettes (unless someone would like to argue for acetone or tar?).

I just set 'em up to knock 'em down

Today I found some academic direction from a guest speaker in my Interdisciplinary Pain class. He's a pediatric physiotherapist with the Pediatric Pain Unit at the IWK. I think I'd like to specialize in pediatric physio if I get accepted.

Under the sea, under the sea

Completely and utterly useless post to let everyone on the Internet know that Dr. Gregory House M.D. (of the show House) has the same seahorse statue in his bedroom that I have in my bedroom. Big news day.

The Golden Rule

Doing something nice for someone else is by far the best feeling in the world. We'd all do well to remember this.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game

The YouTube video I am about to show you was done by "DaxFlame" and is one of over 148 such videos. Each one as priceless as the next.

They say it's your birthday

Has anyone ever seen the episode of The Office (US) where it's Kelly Kapoor's birthday? Jim and Dwight (then co-chair's of the Party Planning Committee) forget her birthday and have to make it up to her. Dwight is in charge of decorations and uses barely blown-up brown and silver balloons (that match the office carpet) and a sign that says "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY." No exclamation point, just a statement of fact.

If you have seen it, then you now know what my kitchen looks like. It's one of my roommate's birthdays tomorrow. We're both big The Office fans. So, I'm surprising her with her very own Dwight Shrute inspired birthday party. Right down to the birthday theme: a 1 hour nap or 1 hour of television.

Woo!

Anybody home?

"Do not think of knocking out another person’s brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago."

Horace Mann

The game's afoot

Now that I've finished all 5 seasons of Weeds, I've started obsessively watching a new show: Castle. It's about a mystery novelist who shadows a detective as inspiration for his book series. It's only in its second season, so it won't take long for me to exhaust this tv program as well.

Any suggestions for a new tv show to throw myself into?

From Castle:
"You're not taking Nancy Drew with you, are you?" (referring to Castle)
"Are you using that as an insult, cause Nancy Drew solves every case."

Disbelief followed by more disbelief

I have exactly 8 more days of classes left in my undergraduate degree at Dalhousie. Can you believe that? I can't seem to. And, after those 8 days of classes, I have one exam to write.

I remember moving into residence back in 2006. I was a bit nervous and a bit excited. That first night, or maybe the second, I stayed up until 6 AM on the soccer field talking to a friend from PEI. That was back when the Wickwire field was still astro turf. No one asked me why I stayed out so late or where I'd been. I was grown up.

And now, four years later, I'm sitting in my room, in my house. It's crazy to think about everything that has happened since that first day back at Shirreff Hall. I cried when my family left. I didn't know if I was ready.

I know I'll cry when I leave. This place has become just as much a home to me as my actual home.

Every day's a Monday now that you're gone

I'm not feeling very well and don't feel too much like blogging today. Instead, I'm going to share a cover of Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me by Butch Walker. I recommend checking out some of his original stuff. My favorites are Sober, Don't Move, Mixtape, and Maybe It's Just Me.

Weeee-oooo I look just like Buddy Holly

Today my SOSA boyfriend (Buddy Holly glasses, sXe, tattoos...) and I actually exchanged words! He did a presentation on male bodybuilders and I asked about steroid use. He looked into my eyes!

The wedding's in June. We think a summer wedding is romantic.

Funny how couples always end up looking like each other.

Get up bitch, I'm not done with you yet

People often diss Dalhousie's size and tell me that I am just a number. These people typically go to a smaller school. Either way, they are correct. I am just a number here, a small fish in a very big pond. My email address emphasizes this point: lr639133@dal.ca. I also have a banner number ID which is B00 followed by 6 digits.

Things that people take for granted at smaller schools, like running into their crush on the way to class every day or bumping into friends at the SUB are things I don't have. I have never once crossed paths with that cute volleyball player and I rarely if ever see a friend on campus unless I am in class with them.

However, what people don't take in to consideration is that I also rarely, if ever, run into people I dislike. I can count on one hand the number of times I have bumped into my crazy ex-roommate since she moved out. I never run into my ex-boyfriend on campus.

I'll take slight anonymity at my university any day.

This is not Sparta

Over the course of my short life, I have gone through waves of wanting and not wanting a tattoo. This is typically correlated with who my romantic interest is at the time. It might be kind of pathetic, but if I like a guy with tattoos, I tend to lean in the direction of wanting one myself. I have yet to commit one way or the other, which basically leaves me committed to not having one.

Currently I am interested in someone with ink, which of course, has peaked my interest once more. My biggest problem is always trying to find something that I a) like enough to have 'branded' on me for the rest of my life and b) something that has meaning but isn't lame. You can probably sympathize with my dilemma. Or not, some people are impulse tattoo people and end up with Mr. Potato Head on one of their appendages (not even a hypothetical example).

There is also the issue of where I would get the tattoo. I am extremely aware that one day my body will grow old and sag and I do not want a cute little dolphin to end up looking like Moby Dick or something. Not that I would ever get a dolphin tattoo (I'm sure if you have one it's nice, just not for me). I'd want the tattoo somewhere that I wouldn't see it on my wedding day. I know that seems ridiculous, and I may never marry, but that is how I feel.

Some ideas for tattoos I may want that have stuck with me over the past few years are:
1. The lion from the Edwards family crest.
PROS: Lions are badass and represent courage and shit.
CONS: The Edwards family crest lion looks like every other crest lion ever.
That's not the lion from the Edwards family crest, but as I said, they basically all look the fucking same.

2. A sailboat.
Seems kind of weird right? I don't sail or own a boat. Basically the idea comes from a Saves the Day song (laugh away). I like the part of the song that says, "Despair can ravage you if you turn your head around to look down the path that's lead you here 'cause what can you change? You're a vessel now floating down the waterways. But you can take your rudder and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake."
PROS: Sailboats are simple and the idea has really grown on me.
CONS: I would obviously have to do a lot of explaining each time, which would annoy the hell out of me. Do I really want a sailboat on me for ever and ever?

Neither funny nor depressing

I was just informed, via email (leave it to Dal to be cheap on stamps), that I have been invited to interview for a spot in Dalhousie's Masters of Science in Physiotherapy program!

This in no way assures my acceptance, but it's a step in the right direction and a big boost to my confidence!

Cranberry juice, please

Trust and believe that it was a man who named this fucking school. No woman in her right mind would give a school a name whose initials spell out a bacterial infection.

The marketing department really dropped the ball on this baby.

I dreamt I was dying as I so often do

I had a very vivid dream last night that I was just diagnosed with cancer. It might be my subconscious telling me I am watching too much Weeds (Celia was just diagnosed with cancer). Or, this could be it:
To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way. - Dream Dictionary

Kind of depressing. Thanks subconscious.

Life goes on and so do we

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Marilyn Monroe

Ah tweet tweet motherfucker, ah tweet tweet goddamn

Occasionally, when I'm not busy doing all the very important stuff that I do, I check out the trending topics on Twitter. I worry about the human race, I really do.

#becauseofbieber:
Kaywee_: #becauseofbieber i am alive!
MaahJuliana: #becauseofbieber i have a reason to smile everyday when i wake up <3
hiteere: #becauseofbieber i'm so much happier than before, and my world is such a great thing, just because i know that he's around.

I don't think you can handle all the jelly that I got

A dear friend of mine has started up a webpage called Girls In Yoga Pants. It's pretty self-explanatory. You are able, and encouraged, to submit your own special photos and become internet famous. Please to enjoy.

Maybe you shouldn't kiss and tell

If you like Texts From Last Night, which I obviously do, you'll probably also enjoy this website: The Foggy Monocle. I won't even bore you with an explanation of the website, just go read it, immediately.

The Blogosphere: It's a Man's World (Apparently)

Check out Margaret Wente's article Why are bloggers male? It infuriated me. She tells me that as a woman, I am not supposed to be interested in blogging. I should be happy to know that I am opinionated, but to keep my goddamn mouth shut. Seen and not heard. I hate it when women express misogyny.

Shut up bitch, gargle

R says:
wanna quit school and run away together?
l says:
yes
R says:
lets do it
should i pick u up now?
l says:
yup
where we headed
R says:
i dont know
som field.
parking lot maybe.
i only need like 20 minutes.
l says:
we're running away to a field?!
not like, mexico?
what kind of plan is that
R says:
if u want to do it in mexico we can go there too
l says:
haha
when you said let's do it
i thought you meant run away
b ut you did not
R says:
haahhahaha
l says:
you are very sneaky

Scots wha-hae

This one-part Welsh, three-parts Scottish gal celebrated the Irish in style yesterday. I'm all about cultural diversity and non-discrimination. Especially if it involves (green) beer.

Oh, I also got my grad pictures taken. Who schedules grad photos for St. Patrick's Day?

And man could I use some sun.

Freudian slip, take 2

d says:
ahaha i want to be makin 10 000 000 a year in total sales
l says:
that'd be nice
i'd be happy with sex figures
fuck
six
d says:
ahaha i was like ???
l says:
haha
d says:
and YES

It's not my fault I have a wide-set vagina

I'm not sure what is worse: these jumper outfits that seem to be popular for the coming summer or the camel toe that they promote. Ugh.




I guess it's also possible that the model just has a black hole of a vagina.

Warm weather and sunshine, we'll be fine

I may not know much about fashion, but I do know what I like. I'm excited for sun dresses, sunglasses, flip flops, wedges, tank tops, and all things summer.

You don't know me, you've just seen my penis

I am known, and made fun of, for my speedy reply to texts. I almost always have my phone on me and I always reply to texts as soon as I get them. It's rare that I don't. So, if I don't reply, it is a sign - a big, red, flashing sign with sirens and whatever else can draw your attention - that I don't want to talk to you. That, or I am avoiding whatever conversation you have started. But usually it just means I don't want to talk to you, or know you, anymore.

Just puttin' it out there.

Sucking your dick don't make me your girlfriend

Celia: Okay, you cannot become a lesbian just because you don't wanna lose weight. I know what you're thinking, you see people like... Rosie O'Donnell, and you think "well, if she can find love..." But that is not where lesbianism is going. Look at The L Word.

Bringing back the quotes

Nancy: It just reminds me 'thug means never having to say you're sorry.'
Tattoo artist: Don't you mean love?
Nancy: Absolutely not. Love means you're constantly apologizing.

Every day I'm hustlin'

So the blog has taken a turn for the serious, and for that I apologize. But I can't always be funny. I just can't. I'm a 21 year old girl with lots of anxiety and it's just unrealistic to think I can come up with funny stuff on a daily basis.

With that being said, the certainty I once had about what I want to do with my life is gone. I miss being a little kid. Someone asked you what you wanted to be "when you grow up" and you could say anything. There weren't any limits. I wanted to be a cash register and my little sister wanted to be a cat. Eventually, once I figured out what a cashier was, I moved on. I wanted to be a lawyer or a doctor. It wasn't about the money, either. When you're a kid it's never about the money.

Once you hit a certain age though, limits are imposed. People tell you how difficult it is to get in to med school or how hard it is to have a family when you are a lawyer. Even if it's well-intentioned, people just shit on your dreams. They tell you your supposed odds for success.

I was 17 when I decided I wanted to be a physiotherapist. People expect you to decide stuff like that at that age. You're graduating from high school and, in my case, going to university. They expect you to choose a career path and to pursue it. At 17, what do you even know? You think you fall in love at 17. You think you know everything at 17. And we all know, you don't. So why do people expect us to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives?

My mother always tells me I need to be more positive, see the good in things and people, etc. But I can't help it. I don't think I will be happy being a physiotherapist for the rest of my life. Someone asked me what I would like to do, if I could do anything. I thought about it, but I couldn't come up with anything I am passionate enough about to spend the rest of my life doing. And that makes me sad. The only thing I really love doing is writing. And even then, what would I do with that? Write a column for a shitty magazine no one respects?

I wish I didn't feel like getting accepted into physiotherapy is a death sentence. And there's still the possibility of being rejected. What will that mean?

I'm wasting my good luck on beer

We played a card game called Horse Race at the bar tonight. Basically, you place a bet on a suit, and whichever suit gets five cards in a row first wins. I won 90% of the time. Every time you win, you get to give out 5 drinks. Good times. I wish I had used my good luck on something more worthwhile though.

I'm Um from Umbridge

Went to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland this afternoon with Carlye and her friend Trisha. It was really good. Helena Bonham Carter is absolutely wonderful as the Red Queen. Johnny Depp is eccentric and obviously perfect for the role of Hatter. The girl who plays Alice, whose name escapes me at the moment, did a great job. The only person that I did not enjoy was Anne Hathaway. I never like her. Go see the movie!

Yeah, just like tomatoes

I have mentioned several times that I have been likened to Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker) from Weeds. It's probably even gotten a bit annoying. But now a whole post devoted to Nancy!

So for those of you who have not heeded my advice and started to watch Weeds, the shows starts off just after Nancy is widowed, trying to make ends meet for her and her two children. She starts selling weed and becomes the biggest dealer in Agrestic, much to the dismay of all of the other dealers. Along the way, lots of shit goes down.

Nancy is eccentric and nutty at times, but you can tell she cares deeply about her family and is doing her best. When her youngest son (at the time) Shane asks her if she is a drug dealer, she responds, "Yes Shane, I grow and sell marijuana. It's organic, it's theurapeutic, it's of the Earth... Like tomatoes." How can you not love this woman?

Nancy loves the laid back look. One time another drug dealer accused her of being the type of person who pollutes the world and then wonders why the icecaps are melting. Botwin retorts with, "Fuck you,I drive a Prius."

This might actually be my favorite moment of the show so far. Nancy is in a jam. The DEA agent she was fucking around with (and married to - I know, crazy) is cracking down and wants all the money from her latest stash. She has to sell it to get the money. She offers it to U-Turn, a black drug dealer and gang-banger. Conrad, Nancy's partner, gets these Armenians into the mix and they kill the DEA agent. U-Turn turns on Nancy and Conrad and tries to jack the pot without paying for it. The Armenians want the pot because they took care of the DEA agent. And, on top of all this, Silas (Botwin's eldest) has taken all of the pot. This particular scene depicts Nancy trying to call Silas to find out where the pot is. She can't seem to get service where she is though, hence why she is squatting down. Better if you watch it then try to read through my description, really.

Esteban Reyes is Nancy's third husband, and father to her third child. He is the mayor of Tijuana and the leader of a drug cartel. By the time he enters the show, things are pretty messed up, so I won't be bother trying to explain his character or part. Watch the show!

At the end of the third season Nancy burns her house to the ground, while the rest of the city is burning. It's a really great scene.

Nancy also has an affinity for iced-capp-like drinks, making her my twin. Seriously, she constantly has a straw in her mouth. And she is of Welsh decent, apparently. Also making her my twin. And she's pale, woo.

And check out her outfits. I'll admit, sometimes she dresses like a hillbilly, but sometimes she's got a great sense for style. Just check out the photo of her with Esteban, what a cute dress!

So basically, what I am saying is, Weeds is hilarious and Nancy Botwin is hilarious and her family is hilarious. There are also great guest appearances, like Mary-Kate Olsen (as Silas's girlfriend) and Zooey Deschanel (as Andy - Botwin's brother-in-law - 's girlfriend). Check out the show and then I will have people to talk to about it.

I can't get along, without you

I have nothing remotely interesting or funny to tell you about this evening. Instead, I have decided to post some of my (growing) collection of photos of beautiful ladies. No lesbo.

Mary-Louise Parker of Weeds (Nancy Botwin). I recommend watching the show, her character is hilarious. Connor tells me I remind him of her.

Old school beauty, Grace Kelly. Check for her in one of my favorite movies, Hitchcock's Rear Window.

Emily Deschanel of Bones. Some people might disagree, but I think she's gorgeous. And if you were wondering, yes, she is Zooey Deschanel (Elf, Yes Man!)'s sister.

Alexis Bledel (Gilmore Girls) is so pretty. Basically all I have to say about this.

A.J. Cook of Criminal Minds (JJ) and, for you snowboarder/stoner types, from Out Cold.

Natalie Portman (Closer, Garden State) is a stunner. Even when she had short hair. But more so with long hair.

I have the biggest crush on Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars, Forgetting Sarah Marshall).

Also a huge crush on Olivia Wilde (House, Alpha Dog).

Emily Haines (of the band Metric) is hit or miss for me, but I like her in this photo.

Ashleigh Ball (lead singer for Hey Ocean!) is such a cutie and she has a beautiful and unique voice. Yes please.

The lunch lady is my supplier

M says:
id like to be a drug lord
just for a year
l says:
can i be the
what is the female version of lord
lady?
drug lady sounds lame
M says:
drug lady
haha
l says:
like lunch lady
M says:
very
yeah
like a low level dealer
l says:
haha
laaaammmeeee
M says:
who trades drugs for sex
the reverse
of a prostitute
haha
l says:
keepin it classy

Vampire babies suck

Yahoo! Answers seriously never ceases to amaze, shock, and entertain me. Check out this absolutely incredible question:

"ok im kinda worryed here since my g/f got pregnant and all she isnt been havein her period do u think the baby is drinkin the blood??? she 6 month pregnant"

Like, you can't even make up stuff this good.

Making Michael Scott proud

All of my best jokes lately seem to revolve around semen. I'm not even surprised.

Mitch: If you guys keep it up, I'm going to be spitting all night.
Lauren: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

It was like in the episode where Jim and Pam talk all day on their tiny bluetooths and Pam finally gets a chance to say "that's what she said" and she is SO happy. Exactly like that. I was stoked.

$10,000 per inch

Dal campus has televisions all over the place and all they ever play is the weather, celeb gossip, and trivia. Money well spent, Dalhousie.

Anyway, I like to watch the televisions while I wait in line at Tim Horton's. On Monday I saw that Jon Gosselin was offered $20,000 to do a shoot for Playgirl. He refused. Guess he thought they were lowballing him.

I'll let that sink in.

But yeah, so I laughed and then came home to do some research obviously. It' true, Playgirl did offer Gosselin $20,000 for a shoot. He said no thanks. However, this is where the awesome begins. When asked to comment, Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio had this to say, "We discussed it, and we'd offer him only $20,000. His star is extinguishing, and he's not very well endowed. Honestly, it'd be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot."

The truth hurts, Jon.

But seriously, I think I should be paid $20,000 to view nude photos of Gosselin. Eww.

Cum on over, cum on over babyyyy

l says:
bukkake party
M says:
yeah
the best kind
haha
l says:
haha
dirrty
M says:
after like
the 4th dude
itd be pretty messy
haha
l says:
haha
goo everywhere
and then it would dry
youd be like paper mache
M says:
hahahaha

Nuts on my chin

M says:
i have to play this concert with the choir next weekend
haha
l says:
ooooh
M says:
with gary ewer
hes the conduct
and chris mitchells in it
sitting next to me
crackin jokes
haha
l says:
ooh baby
M says:
feeding me his sexy sac
sax
hahahaha
shitttttttt
l says:
hahaha
sac
yum
you so lucky
M says:
thats my bad
i dont like his sac
l says:
freudian slip
M says:
honest
haha

Texts from Papaaaa

Dad: How was your test?
Laur: Test went very well. How was your day?
Dad: The day went well. Crows moved in overnight. The trees were full. There is bird shit everywhere.

Except he actually said "There is bird **** everywhere." My Dad doesn't even like to type swears, he knows my mind is like a sponge.

Copying conversations from Facebook chat is the DEVIL

15:12D--
my biggest fear
HALIFAX
15:13Lauren
dun dun dunnnnn
terrifying
15:14D--
nemesis
buller
hate it
15:14Lauren
buller?
what dat
15:14D--
umm woops
bulltet is what i meant
15:14Lauren
oooh
bulltet
15:15Lauren
makes sense
15:15D--
bullet
15:15Lauren
haha
15:15D--
SHUT UP
15:15Lauren
i got it
NEVER
15:15D--
i am runing on no sleep
15:15Lauren
sass
15:15D--
and you are picking on me
15:15Lauren
i run on all sass
15:15D--
you run on penis
ALL penis
15:15Lauren
yes
penis is my fuel
15:15D--
hmmm at least your green
youre
15:16Lauren
haha
remember when you were younger
and you were 'green' if you hadnt done anything
15:16D--
ahaha yes?
ahaha yesssss i do
ur still green
15:16Lauren
yup
the greenest
15:17D--
ahaha if by that you mean the ungreenest
15:17Lauren
not even in the green family anymore
black maybe?
15:17D--
ahaha your white
15:17Lauren
haha
15:18D--
nooo black is the presence of all colours
15:18Lauren
right right
15:18D--
soo green would be in there
15:18Lauren
no green for this girl

I don't give a shit

People are always asking me how I am such a genius. Not true. But I do prety well in school and people are often surprised by this (what are you trying to say people?!). I will reveal my secret to you. Hilarious mnemonics. For real. My secret to success is to make everything into a HUGE JOKE.

I have a Human Sexuality test tomorrow and I ave to remember a bunch of weird ass fetishes for it. I can remember stuff like sadism and necrophilia (thank you pop culture). But there is some fucked up shit I need to know. For instance, scopophilia, which is a form of voyeurism where the person derives pleasure from seeing other people's genitals or other people engaging in sexual acts. How will I remember this? Scopophilia sounds like SCOPING you out. Just scoping your junk out, nbd. Then we have the disgusting coprophilia, which is someone who basically gets sexual excitement from feces. Ugh. Mnemonic for this puppy? Cop-a-feel-ia of your poop.

You can laugh, but I got a 97% on the last test.

Dear Diary, you are the BEST FRIEND EVER

In 2001, I sat down and wrote one of those letters you write to your future self and then seal and wait ten years to read. The only problem was that 12 year old Lauren was really good at misplacing things, and now I have no idea where that letter is. If I find it, I can open it next year. It's funny though, because I do remember writing it and I remember a lot of what I put into it. I know, even ten years later, crazy. I have a pretty great memory that I never really talk about. So, if you are wondering if I remember those things you said to me in the seventh grade that were not so nice, I do, and I am still sour at you.

Anyway, I remember asking my future 22 year old self if I was married yet. What the hell 12 year old Lauren? Did you realize that you would only be one year out of an undergraduate degree with YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU? I also remember asking 22 year old Lauren if she still had a crush on Joel. Yes 12 year old Lauren, 22 year old Lauren hasn't moved on. Come on! I think 12 year old Lauren was severely disillusioned and I really wish that I could find the letter to have a good laugh at her expense.

I also wrote a read-me-ten-years-later letter in my grade 12 psychology class. I really don't remember what I wrote in that one, but I can't open it until 2016 anyway, so that's just too far away to even care about. I do, however, know exactly where that letter is. Big whoop.

Whether I find the 2001 letter or not, I have documented past Lauren very well. I have journals starting from the sixth grade. They are highly embarassing and it literally makes me cringe to read them. But I also laugh, a lot. I was so preoccupied with boys at that stage, and so awkward.

Good thing I grew up into such a well-adjusted young adult. Ha.

Pantless Knights

From the wonderful people that brought us the Jizz in my Pants parody Puke in my Mouth... we now have The New Dork: Entrepreneur State of Mind.

Love these guys.

I am not superstitious

As a person with high anxiety, once something bothers me I can't let it go. So last night I thought to myself, I am using my full name in a url for a blog that uses swear words among other things. NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE ME.

So I changed the url.

www.littlestitious.blogspot.com

And I do see the idiocy in announcing this on the new url that no one knows. Kind of like when the IT guy emailed me at work when my computer account wasn't working. Brilliant.

Who else am I gon' lean on, Mariah?

d says:
dick face
l says:
yes
put your dick in my face
we belong togetherrrrrrr
d says:
hahaha NEW hit from The Ledwards
l says:
haha
look for my cd
cumming soon
d says:
EMI or Sony

The tooth fairy bound and gagged me

l says:
if you don't text back
there will be a problem
d says:
then i have been abducted by mermaids
l says:
that is ridiculous
dave says:
and banshees
l says:
banshees and mermaids would NEVER hang out together
let alone orchestrate a kidnapping
d says:
working in unison
i know, thats how ridiculous me not texting back would be
l says:
okay

Master of the house, keeper of the keys

There was a lot of controversy about the Miley Cyrus image posted below. I won't even bother going into it at all, I couldn't care less. The imagine, however, did strike me as eerily familiar. Today I finally figured out what it looks like.


Anyone else see it?

Is it me, or is this over?

Last night Carlye and I were planning on going downtown, we really were. We were going to meet up with Connor and Charlie and do something fun and get really drunk. Maybe dance. Probably yell. The usual.

Anyway, Connor bailed. Story of our friendship/whatever we had. Carlye and I thought maybe we would still go downtown. But no. We started playing our new Wii Decasports, and we couldn't even fathom leaving the house. We speedskated, kendo'd, played hockey, darts... it was quite the evening.

So needless to say, I didn't go out all weekend and I don't even care. This is my life.

You look different, did you do something with your hair?

I don't know what it is about an animal dressed up as another animal, but I find it hilarious. Here are some photos to brighten your day. The poodle ones are by far the best.

Tears roll down the face of the earth

Living with five people in one house, lots of stuff happens. We all have mutual friends, but we also have a lot of our own friends. That makes for a lot of people in and out. Last night, Carlye and I decided to stay in and watch Criminal Minds for like 6 hours. When we went to get a drink in the kitchen at about 12:30 AM, we stumbled upon a drunk, semi-comatose, puking girl in our front entry way, basically mooning us. It was AWKWARD. No one else was home, which made it even MORE awkward.

Bird is the word

My Human Sexualty professor is not shy. You really can't be if you're going to teach a class that talks about fetishism and sexual positions and all the stuff that comes with sexuality. So that was why it was so odd yesterday, when in class, Numer (the prof) said "d-bags" instead of douchebags. He was like, "I dunno if I can say douche in class?" I don't really know what you can and can't say in class, but if you are going to say "cunt" on the first day, I think that "douche" is probably okay. Maybe that's just me.

Bang bang, she shot my boner down

What I would like to know, first of all, is where Urban Dictionary was when I was in elementary school and was too innocent to know what terms like "spooning" meant? Who was I going to ask? My parents? Never. Urban Dictionary could have saved me a lot of sleepless nights trying to figure out what jokes like "Bowlers do it with 3 fingers" meant. Okay, so these things didn't keep me up at night. But I really was innocent and was often confused by what the English kids talked about. Boy were we sheltered in French Immersion.

How did I ever get on to this topic? DAGGERING. Ever hear of it? I hadn't. And now that I am 21 years old and have access to the Internet, nothing can stop me from finding these things out.

"Daggering is a Jamaican term used to describe extremely rough sex where the penis is used in a dagger-like fashion to repeatedly stab at the vagina in a violent and plundering manner. Daggering can be dangerous to both parties and can cause traumatic genital injuries and horrific mutilation of the junk."

The more you know.

OH no you did-ent!

This shit is intense, and courtesy of the 2friends1blog archives.

And can someone please explain to me why, when ghetto people fight, they take off their fucking boots and coats and hoop earrings? I mean, I get not wanting to have your ears ripped off. I get that. But if you're so fucking ghetto, how can you afford big ass hoop earrings? Or why even wear them? You're probably taking them off every second day to throw down.

And can I get a what the fuck for the manager of McDick's throwing HOT GREASE at the trannies? I guess I would have felt threatened too. Big dudes with stilettos and long fingernails... that's a lot of weaponry.

Looking here

You can take comfort in this small feat
Even broken, the heart still keeps a beat
And if it’s a healing power that you’re looking for
Babe, you don’t have to look no more

I know she hurt you and she left you bare
Sometimes love can be so unfair
And thoughts of her play through your head
It’s time for you to put the past to bed

Love is true if it can conquer all
And love is good until it takes a fall
Your love just doesn’t do it for her anymore
Love should be rich, but baby hers is poor

If you need someone to hear your song
I can be the one who sings along
The song’s you’re singing are all ones I know
We’ve been playing them since long ago

I don't belong here, I'm falling on deaf ears

You know what is kind of weird? Playing co-match maker with Connor. On so many levels. We're setting up one of my best friends with one of his best friends. I sense disaster, but Connor seems to think the plan is ingenius.

My friend is Carlye. His is Charlie.

Carlye and Charlie. I want it to work out just for the hilarity of their names together.

What the fuck is UP, bro?

Considering it's only 2 PM, a lot has happened thus far today. I guess that is bound to happen if you start your day early enough, like 8:30 AM early enough.

First, my SOSA boyfriend (mysterious, Buddy Holly glasses, sXe, and tattoos... remember him?) shaved his head over Spring Break, without even consulting me! He looks kind of like Edward Norton in American History X, except no Swastikas from what I can see. He was, however, fully clothed. Also, no facial fair. But yeah. Regardless, I was pretty crushed by this development.

Also in my SOSA class, we were doing a lecture on the civilized body, and it somehow turned into a brief lecture/discussion on bros. I kid you not. And, apparently, bros like to drink Coors Light. Kind of doubting the accuracy of the data.

That's actually all that has happened so far today, I lied when I said a lot. To be fair, all I've done since I woke up was go to my SOSA class, then come home and listen to music. Busy bee.

This song will become the anthem of your underground

Remember that post I made about finding out my paper that I thought was due Thursday ended up being due today? If not, it's conveniently below this one. And it doesn't even matter. You want to know why? Because I got to class today, running on five hours sleep and still buzzing from caffeine overload, handed my professor my paper, and she said "Passing in your paper early Lauren? That's great." I WAS RIGHT. My paper WAS due Thursday. Talk about an FML situation.

The planet earth spins slowly

So, I went to bed at like 3 AM, and somehow managed to be awake at 8:15 AM. I was planning on sleeping until 11, but I'm up and my mind is BUZZING. I just checked my heart rate too (keep in mind I haven't done anything yet today), and it's 102 beats per minute. For any Arts folk out there, average resting heart rate is 72 bpm. I may be caffeine sensitive. No more energy drinks for this girl.

Just a few honest words

You know what is not a good feeling? Finding out that the paper you thought was due Thursday is actually due Tuesday. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I was a person who did their work ahead of time, but no. I am the type of person who likes to postpone the inevitable. Either way, I got most of it done. The paper isn't due until 4 PM today, so I will have lots of time to complete it after some much needed rest. Getting back into this school thing is tough.

One more month of classes though. Two months of this degree. Three months til my graduation ceremony.

Not in a rush or anything.

True north strong and free

Carlye and I watched Canada defeat the USA in men's Olympic hockey today in over time. It was a nerve racking game, with a final score of 3-2. Sidney Crosby was the one who scored the game winner for Canada. The win, and resulting gold medal, really was the icing on the cake for the last 17 days. I have never felt so patriotic or felt so connected to other Canadians before. We now hold the record for most gold medals won at a Winter Olympics. Fourteen gold medals! Unbelievable. And there has been some absolutely heartwarming moments, like watching Rochette win a bronze in figure skating or seeing Alexandre Bilodeau embrace his brother after being the first Canadian to win a gold medal on home soil. I don't see how anyone could diss the Own the Podium program. We dominated the Games.

O Canada, our home and native land...

Never trust a bunny

Carlye and I watched Hoodwinked (2005) tonight. It's an animated movie about Red Riding Hood, with a twist. It's actually fantastic. I was surprised, seeing as it's 5 years old and I had never really heard much about it. Brilliant comedy. Andy Dick voices one of the characters. I found it hilarious. Ben Folds also does one of the songs in the movie, Red is Blue. Highly recommended.